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sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
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