I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize