Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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