oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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