you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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