just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
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I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was not drunk enough for that final.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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