you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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