I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize