just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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