I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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