remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she peed on how many people?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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