Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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