I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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