Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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