Moan for me like Helen Keller
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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