Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
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you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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