the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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