Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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