you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sober January is a disaster.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize