So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
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It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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