I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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