You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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