i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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