I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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