You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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