don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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