i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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