cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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