finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
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If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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