I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
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One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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