Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
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you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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