I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dicks are not precious.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize