I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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