Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize