Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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