I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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