he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize