I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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