shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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