he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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