Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
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I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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