I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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