please come you make the beer taste better
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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