You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize