I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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