apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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