I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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