At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
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She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize