she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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