i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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